Blue Velvet is a 1980 something mystery diggity about 5 kids or something and some fucking dog, featuring Dennis Hopper and Michael J. Fox's taller brother.
The movie[]
It's a David Lynch film but it's not as fucked up and insane as the other Lost Jiggabo movie. The movie starts out with some shots of some lame ass 50's Republican's wet dream of a town, with no blacks in sight, nothing but good, nice, white folk. The hero of this tale is Jeffery Dahmer, a stupid college kid who after coming home from visiting his dead grandpa at the hospital he finds an ear and a penis in the field near some ratty ass shack. Gross!
So then he goes to this detective and is like "yo nigga, i found this bumpin ass ear out in the field, its fuckin sick as shit dawg". The cops all go out to that field to look for more evidence and they end up wrangling a massive orgy. Jefferey goes to that detectives house to ask more about the case and meets his daughter... uh.... Jessica or something, I don't remember. They're walking down the street laughing and shit and then Mandy is like "yo holmes, theres this bitch thats prob hella involved in dis shit, she lives not too far frum huur". So the two idiots go check it out.
The next day Jefferey has a plan to get in that bitch's apartment, he goes in there dressed up like a bug fucker exterminator. She is like HURRY UP NIGGA I AINT GOT ALL DAY. So while he is fucking up these bugs, this dude in a gay yellow suit shows up and is like SUP BITCH and he notices Jeff and is like WHO DAT and she is all like pfft nigga plz he just da bug exterminator. The bitch steps out with the yellow jacket fag and Jeff manages to swipe the key to the place.
Yadayadayada he get's into the apartment the next night and tells Amanda to honk 4 times when she shows up. He's in the apartment all checking around and shit and decides to take a piss. He flushes about the same time Rose honks the horn. Must have been one loud ass toilet. So the bitch shows up while he is chilling in her apartment and he decides to hide in the closet, she hears him, stabs him, makes him undress and sucks his dick.
Pretty cool, huh?
But then Dennis Hopper shows up and the bitch is like "hello baby ;)" and he just goes "IT'S DADDY, SHITHEAD!". This made me lol pretty hard. So he inhales some shit and fucking rapes her or something and just fucks off. Jeff gets out of the closet to check on her and she is like YO FUCK ME BB. Jeff is like nah thnx im gay and leaves.
After that he meets up with Rubben or whatever and tells her the situation. Jeff stakes out some places, watches a murder happen, takes some pictures, yadayadayada.
Oh and Jeff pisses off Becky's boyfriend.
Jeff shows back up at the bitch's place and fucks her, on his way out Dennis Hopper shows up and takes him for a ride. They go to some grass whore house with a bunch of fat whores run by some gay dude singing Roy Orbison. Dennis Hopepper tells the gay dude about the murder that was commited and now Jeff can put a name to a face! Hooray!!!!!!!!
So Dennis Hopper takes Jeff out to the sticks and beats the shit out him, Jeff goes back to the detective and brings him the pixxx. Jeff goes out on a date with the detectives daughter... uh Sandra or something. While they're out she is all like YO JEFF I LUVE YOU and he is like LOL ME 2 ;0 ;) ;0 :)
So they leave the party and get chased by some faggots, at first they think its Dennis Hotpepperonipizza but it just turns out to be Monique's gay ex-boyfriend. They show up at Jeff's house and that fag is all like YOU TOOK MY GIRL I'LL KICK YOUR ASS, then that bitch shows up naked as fuck and beaten up so they take her to the hospital after she tells Barbra about how they fucked.
Jeff calls Tracy and is like ily and she is like ily and they get back together. Great.
Jeff goes to that bitch's apartment and see's the yellow jacket faggot fucked up after some retard lobotomy and the bitch's dead husband. He tricks Dennis Holyshit into thinking he is in the back room when he is really in the closet!!!!! sneak fucker
So he gets a gun from the yellow jacket faggot's... jacket and waits for him to open the closet.
He does and get shot in the head!!! WOW #BASED HEAD SHOT!!!! - lil b
So Jeff and Sandy live happily ever after then die from aids after 2 seconds. IT'S THE 80'S!!!!!!!!!!!!
Critical Reception[]
Poopy and everybody hated it, including me, thanks for nothing Billy
EDITORS NOTE: EVERYBODY LIKED IT AND SO DID I!
Cast[]
Dennis Hopper - Dennis Hopper
Michael J. Fox's taller brother - Jeff
Whoever - What's her face
Bitch - Some model or something
Other guys - Yup
