Woolie James
Woolie james
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Woolie James AKA Woolly James aka that guy that looks like DMX is a notorious thug and known criminal; currently wanted by the NY State Police Department for armed robbery.


Woolie James was born in 1988 in [REDACTED], California. He studied at the University of America at the age of 3 until it was burned down by a marauding band of clown rapists came through town chasing Lou Reed's tour bus and burned the city of [REDACTED BY FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION] like Union soldiers burned Atlanta.

Rise to fameEdit

After doing several odd jobs and sexually servicing a few soccer moms, he finally got his big break. In the fall of 1998, when Woolie was 10, a woman, whom he had sexually serviced, by the name of [REDACTED BY FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION]  told him about her husband hiding the deed to a rock quarry that runs on child labor that recently found a vast amount of diamonds. However, all the children were dead so he had to rob an orphanage to get his work force

Assembling the teamEdit

The woman gave him three leads, a few very experinced men in the orphanage robbing game. He managed to hook up with them one day at a hookah lounge in West Hollywood, California. After getting mad high on some white widow, the four would-be robbers attempted to rob the Max Security Child Prison Orphanage. The three other men were captured by the well trained security force and were executed under Executive Order 472, given from President Clinton himself.

You're probably wondering why a 10 year old is robbing orphanages with old men and fucking soccer moms by now. Well settle in, it's about to get even more weird.

New Year 1999Edit

On Christmas night, Woolie had snuck into a man's house, fucked his dog, his sexy 15 year old daughter, his wife and stolen all his money in one go. The man woke up about mid-way through Woolie's sexual exploits with his wife and proceeded to whoop his ass. He told him he wouldnt kill him if you could pay him a million dollars. Things are looking really stupid, random and grim right now, right?

At a New Year's party that he had been inexplicably invited to by a quasi-deus ex machina. He showed up at the party and was given a million dollars for no reason. Yeah, this shit happens ok!?

So he paid the man back and then killed him and fucked his dog, wife and daughter again.

The Billy Ocean eraEdit

The details are murky, but James claims to have spent several months or years, depending on the source, working and living with the arch-criminal and all around bad guy Billy Ocean. According to James, "Billy Ocean" is the alias of a man named Mindogon "Charlie" Bokassa, a distant relative of the deposed dictator of the Central African Republic. Evidence provided by James at [REDACTED BY FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION] during the [REDACTED BY FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION] incident supports the reports of other agents that Ocean began his criminal career as a very young man with the tacit support of his powerful relative. After an undetermined and unexplained^ amount of time in Russia, Ocean moved to the United States in June of 1984. During one supposed conversation outside the Plaza Hotel in New York City, James says Ocean told him he came to the United States after seeing the movie "Scarface". James consistently refused to explain how he met Ocean, but says that after they had known each other only a few weeks, Ocean begin to employ James as a top-level lieutenant in his criminal organization, and that he eventually moved into Ocean's Kansas mansion. James was able to provide damning evidence against several key players in Ocean's organization, but most of these players were already dead or undergoing federal prosecution. He could provide nothing whatsoever actually linking Ocean to any crimes, and after federal agents found evidence contradicting much of the information James provided on Ocean, the agency ceased to trust him. Whether he actively lied to protect Ocean, or whether he himself was another victim of Ocean's massive disinformation program, is unknown.

^[REDACTED BY THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION] always suspected his involvement with [REDACTED BY FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION] and Chernobyl, but could never produce hard evidence.

Final YearsEdit

Woolie had lived a successful life of robbery, murder and sex for over 21 years by now. It was Woolie's 24th birthday party. He had paid scientists to re-animate the corpse of Frank Sinatra so he could sing at his party. Something went terribly wrong when one of the scientists spilt bong water all over the controls and accidentally re-animted Ghengis Khan who then proceeded to behead ever person in the room; including Woolie.


Puff Daddy made a song about him, so did Bruno Mars. Every Maroon 5 song is about him and Lil B cried every day for 3 weeks after his passing

DMX - Party Up (Up In Here)

DMX - Party Up (Up In Here)


so what,,,,,,,,,, lmao


yeah im tired of writing this isnt even that funny